Sunday, May 31, 2009

Day 5

Fast Sunday. I think I agree with the kids who say it’s more like “slow Sunday.” It was very interesting to have a fast-Sunday-fifth-week lesson on provident living and then Sunday School was taught by my neighbor and good friend. He’s a huge Scripture Jedi and he taught very well. People started getting a little upset when they thought he might have been going too far off the beaten path, but they didn’t realize, as the rest of us did, that he was just using an example. A very well quoted example, of C.S. Lewis. Anyway, Keegan was a little crazy. In fact, we had to take him out of Sacrament meeting twice. Through it all I kept my cool, I think my wife would agree. I was a little on edge as I came to get them for church, but I was able to control it. Deep Breaths work wonders. You should try it. Anyway, we’ll see how the rest of the day works out. Home teachers came over for Heather. We’re going to talk with my parents about a possible vacation, since I am forced to take a full week off, by my work for audit reasons. Anyway, I need to do something with the time, so I’m sure we’ll make something happen, although Newport Coast is probably out for monetary reasons.


Anyway, I thought I’d share this funny SQL quote with you, since it applies to so much of my work at America First Credit Union:

SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue > 0;
0 rows returned

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Day 4 continued

I'm so proud of all the progress my husband has made lately. We had a ward BBQ & he was 1 of the first to volunteer to clean up. We had a wonderful day today and I'm so happy that my family has come so far!” Heather’s Tweet about day 4

So I can’t believe how much fun we had as a family, and with the ward, today. No real issues, which is probably my first weekend in a while that I can say that! YAY! We got a little high strung as we were preparing to go over to the ward party, but actually it was fairly easy to keep that under control. YAY * 2 ! Anyway, as to the new dosing, the only thing I can say is that I was up until about 1:15 on my own, and then I couldn’t get to sleep for about another 45 minutes. I don’t know why that was, I don’t think it was because of the heat, but possibly. I finally decided my pillow was upside down, because all of the fill was cranking my neck instead of just supporting it, so that helped a bunch. Anyway today is fast Sunday for us, so that we can have stake conference next week, and I am in a good spirit. Heather and I started our fast together with prayer last night. All of these are markers of progress. I took my pills at about 8 am. Which I’m going to have to ask about… When I filled the prescription for the new stuff, I asked the pharmacist about how to space them out. I think there could be wisdom in other methods, but he said actually to take them about 8 to 10 hours apart. This is different than the 6am-6pm schedule I had originally prepared for. Not that there’s an issue with that, but as I’m thinking about it, I took my second dose around 4pm and still had issues sleeping. If the two are related we’re in for a fun ride, at least until I adjust. Next time you see me, ask me what is the secret to great comedy…

Day 4

Today will be the first day of 2 a day doses of Welbutrin. I woke up around 6 am to take my first pills. This way I can take my next dose at 6 pm, per instructions. Prior to taking my pills, as I was laying in bed knowing I needed to come and get these, I was actually very jittery. Literal jitters, apart from my idle RLS sort of ADHD leg shaking. Internal trembling, actually. I'm not scared for anything today. At least nothing out of MY control. I am committed to have a good day, and laugh about situations which will no doubt arise. And now I'm going back to bed, if I can. More later I assure you.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Day 3

The jury's still out on why day 3 went the way it did. My boss was acting way weird, like trying to keep me stress free and/or fit more stuff in the shred bins, and/or finally communicate some of her intentions. The last of these would probably be the most shocking. She's a very reserved person, and she questions just about anything I ever ask her about- to find my intentions. She still has done that today, but it's like there's a respect growing or something. I call it "respect," though I'm not sure that will pan out AT ALL! And I say "growing" because it's almost like a crab regrowing a claw. Did I cut off one of her claws? Did I seem that upset about her micromanaging? Or more preferably, did I actually strike some sort of **ASSERTIVE** chord with her? I will pray it is this, though it's approximately 1.6 million:1 that there is actually something else going on. She's had stress with her son's back surgery, and maybe she's coming up to the surface finally, after most of that is complete. MAYBE she found out that it was me who made the get well card and passed it around the office. She started acting nicer to a couple of us after that. Commented about the card, how sweet/cute it was, I can't remember. I tried to make it seem generic enough and then I had Cambria pass it around. I don't know. She TOTALLY could have seen me making it from the MS Office (R) template I used, and the fact that I have access to the color printer. But I even had Cambria pick it up from there, so it would seem all the more HER idea. Anyway, I did make that card, and it looks like it worked, my boss and her son may be "Getting Well." I include her in this statement because I delivered it through her with that intention. That she would see we care about her, even if it is extraordinarily simple, we care.

One more comment about the crab from earlier: not only is it kind of weird to watch a crab grow a new arm/claw or whatever, it never really grows back the same, I've found. Or it takes a really long time to look the same. Nonetheless I think that actually this occurrence would be more aptly described as a crab growing a third claw, both for freak nature of the change, and for appearances, and possible reactions of others and hindrances to it's mobility or anything. Not to say I'm hoping it's that, but it would make more sense for her. And as for my anger coming out, I certainly hope I was not responsible for any chopping actions near the crab bed. I cannot be sure. My words like "are you kidding me?" could have been forced out so sharply that they seemed like an attack. My passive-aggresive comment of "I'm not getting paid enough for this" as I grunt and move very heavy things to satisfy my bosses request. Perhaps that holds some water- my boss asked me some ridiculous task, and I actually made it the way she wanted- I technically erased my previous act through extremely simple means. Perhaps she is rewarding my obedience? Perhaps she realizes that it is now as per her liking? I would seriously doubt my "biker chick" boss is now afraid of me, but that would also be the worst possible outcome of my experiment. That's the last thing I need- more people afraid of my Hulk side, or Mr. Hyde, or whatever you call my rage, which I do still have inside me. I'm working with a counselor to eliminate that from my life, and stop "pushing the beach ball back under the water's surface" if I can paraphrase my wife. I'll get permission. Regardless of any of this. I'm committed to improving my communication with all parties to which I am associated. This has to do strongly with my impulse control, my hourly stress checks, deep breathing, increased physical exercise, which I did today, etc. I hope it turns out. I cannot afford to lose my job. No matter how much I hate it sometimes, I really need this income, and I like the overall job. So I can't do anything to screw it up. I need to support my family! I need to keep up my self-worth. I need to be appropriate! I need to know that I am, I need to think things through before opening my mouth. I need compassion, and empathy! I need to end this post... No, I just hope that I'm not wasting time. Mine or anyone else's! I know for a very real fact that I/we do NOT have much time. Before something drastic happens. Whether that be someone's patience wearing out, or The Second Coming, I cannot be sure. But it's all extremely relative, and related! There has got to be change! My heart is there! Why can't I move faster? It's like I AM in that pool, and I have a very resistant weight tied to me. Yes this can make me stronger, but only if I live up to the task. My mind is strong, but my body is weak. My mind is willing but the flesh is too reactionary. It is not appropriate that I always **REACT**. I never should, in fact. My ACTS have to be based on what's the best course. Separate and exact. Not wanton destruction. Unique and mastered. Apart from anyone else's influences. Am I making sense? Window to the soul kind of sense? My hope is to not have these worries. I wish I could hold myself to some deadline as to when, but overall I feel that it is absolutely essential. Elementary in fact. For if I do not control my "elements" I will destroy something irreparable. I know I've always been the rhino in the China store, and I am now stuck in a corner. A very small and claustrophobic corner of my own causation. Would that I could change out of this angry and encumbered suit. Wholly, and without a second thought. I have a very real sense that I've not a second to lose. For if, in that moment, I lose another battle with my darker self. There may be no telling how far the collateral damages will spread. My life causes ripples in possibly thousands of others. If I don't stop throwing rocks, I may never see clarity. And I know I'm already braking a lot of my own windows (man in glass house...).

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Day 2 (kind of a mix, or Drop Box)

Okay, so this was a good day. A weird day, but a good day. My boss actually thanked me for helping her on her computer, that was something I NEVER would have expected. She was in a pretty good mood today, although at times I was wondering if she was going to do something to ruin my day, because at some other times, she was really accomodating. Like overly accomodating, like she felt bad about something. Could it be that she was finally acknowledging that she micro manages too much? Who knows. Anyway, Welbutrin day 2: that's what you came here for, right? No ill effects that I know of, other than a hint of a headache when I was so stressed out I squeezed my head. I was comical about it, not mad. Nonetheless, I've never hulked out on my own head, including now, so I don't know where that came from. I'm sweating like a pig, which could be a symptom, or it could be the fact that I'm fat. >230 # I think?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Anger and it's antidotes

So I've had this blog set up for all of a couple hours I think, and it may actually be a source of insight into my anger, since that is the primary reason I take this stuff. Just to let you know. I think antidotes to anger include watching your kid(s) play happily with other kids. Keegan is SO cute. Not to say I was angry before, but he helped me to de-stress after a crazy trip to the library. And after my first work day on Welbutrin. Thanks little man!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Day 1

This is my first day on Welbutrin SR 150 mg, so it's once in the morning for the first three days. I have already had some things which may be considered side effects: Headache, irritability - I felt mad at the world while at work today. I really don't know what's going to happen. Over all it could be a bad idea. I am already taking Celexa 40 mg once every morning also. And currently I'm on Amoxicillin 1000mg morning and night for an ear infection. We'll see how this works. Heather, my wife, didn't like how Welbutrin worked on her, and she hasn't liked my other things, namely Vyvanse, nor Seroquel. I need to set this thing up to receive updates from my Blackberry, because I don't have internet, because I have addictions we're dealing with. I'm sure I'll talk more about those later, the biggest problem is ANGER. Keegan and I are at the library, and he's really restless so I'll need to hurry. 3 year old's don't hang out too quietly, I'm noticing. I really have liked Celexa. and I really hope this new combo works out. My name is James Cummings and I am 27 years old. Deep Breaths. Here we go!