Sunday, June 28, 2009

Day 31

Fridays are a different ordeal at my office. We've fixed a lot of problems, we've had a ton of phone calls, we have already shredded all of the crap for the week, or rather we've actually regained some room, because the on-site shredding has happened. And we're left to wonder what the crap we're going to have to do today. Or rather I am forced to make things up, that need immediate attention, or make phone calls which allow me to get my point across so much better than in email. For some reason at America First, the email etiquette is so much more rigid. I've blogged about this before. I wish I knew how to make a link from here… You'll just have to look. Once everyone has arrived we may or may not have a department meeting,  in which all of us can enjoy the fact we're not currently working. That's about the only thing which will break up the day, officially. More and more testing, and upgrade stuff. Stuff which I'm really not involved in, but have to hear all about, and internalize, even though the proprietary jargon, as well as the way they are going about doing things –what with renting servers from someone else, as opposed to buying them and storing them somewhere within our pervue and things, seems completely foreign. I sometimes have to share my workspace with up to four other people while they look over results of yet another nitpicky little test of our imports. Yipee! I agree with being thorough but there's a line to be drawn when we start doing a bunch of tests in which nothing goes the way it should. Which I get to hear my coworker gripe about for the rest of the day. She was talking on the phone today saying something about she hasn't had any time to herself today. I agree: Not even lunch really makes that much difference, it's still so work oriented. Therefore it's not anything like the rest period I'd hoped it would be. Today, however, I made something out of it – I went outside on the grass. This was interesting because my allergies weren't really affected, other than on my right arm. This arm was the only skin that touched the grass, other than my left hand, which was in constant contact with as many little lodgepole pine cones as possible. I think they are something like that, either way I like rubbing them in between my fingers to strip them down to the bare stalk. This is about the only thing fun about this work day. Especially when your boss tells you to go to lunch early. Overall, she was in a good mood today, though, which was made evident by the fact that I actually got to leave 10 minutes early – hopefully while still getting my 40 hours. I will birth an overweight baby echidna if I have to use another quarter hour of my vacation because of leaving 1 minute early for the rounding errors built in to our timecard. As you can tell, I've been screwed before. After work, Keegan and I exercised, and then mommy went off to some HOA meeting. Heather made an amazing dinner. We all enjoyed her new invention. Keegan fell asleep in his high chair, instead of finishing his rice. He hadn't even been there that long! He's so sweet. We just moved him to the couch, gave him a blanket, and talked for a long time. Finally we moved him to his bed, and he was mad about that. Of course. He is so funny. Heather and I just talked forever, which was just like old times. She exercised, and we laughed together. This is a stark contrast to other days in the past. My unhealthy attitude is coming back sometimes, but not right now. I need to do better in fending it off, and then running it into the ocean (Last Unicorn reference if anyone else remembers that movie like Heather does). This will hopefully be a better weekend than the rain delay. I need to stay flexible.

By the way, if anyone cares, I have been on twitter for some time. I usually don't associate my tweets with Welbutrin, but they show my other personality traits too, so if you want to follow me it's http://www.twitter.com/lookmomnohands .
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Day 30! I made it!

Well I guess we can't all have perfect months. But at least we're all still here. I had kind of a bugger of a day at work. We were crazy busy fixing issues, and finding papers. Then came to pick up Heather, while my parents were going to babysit Keegan. Things were kind of getting stressed. We were actually doing fine, until we headed out for our class. Whenever you do something good, opposition shows up. We argued about stupid stuff, I should have admitted I was wrong faster, and then it might have been fine, but there was just a lot of pride in me, and so I stuck to my guns, just long enough for it to escalate to yelling words like "hate this…" and such. We arrived at our class, I was fuming and stayed in the car for a bit while Heather went in. I decided that nothing good could come from festering. I went in only to notice that I was only the seventh person there. Normally there can be upwards of twenty of us there. As we read our opening stuff, certain of the lines were piercing right through to my heart. Things like Daily Accountability. If I would have seen that this was all because this is the best thing I can do to help my family, right now, I would never have yelled. I realized very quickly that I was in fact, not mad at Heather at all, I was upset that I let contention into my head again. I don't know what happened in Heather's area, but I started things off for ours. I probably spoke for a while, maybe I was even the longest one. It was cathartic, and I believe I was also helping a lot. I had not spoken really at all in last week's class, and I made up for that and more, I feel. Especially since I was able to find my notes which I would have shared that day. I added to them immediately upon finding them, and subsequently had plenty to talk about. I don't know if it was best for my parents, but Heather and I went out for a treat, and talked more. I don't know how much trust and respect I lost today, but I hope to be able to say that I earned some of it back, through my complete reversal, and immediate action to reconcile, even to improve our relationship just a mite. Regardless, it's almost Friday, here's hoping tomorrow goes better, and that we don't have another rain delay. I love the rain, but it does seem to cramp my style a lot lately. I haven't wanted to bother doing my hair since Sunday. That's almost okay, in that I have a mud sort of product in my hair, and it holds like crazy. I guess it would help if I decided to care more about my looks, so that I don't become a slob, and so that I don't gain much more weight. I really have no clue how I've maintained this, but I seem to be within 15 pounds of my weight in High School, and I have been most all of the time, I haven't had to do anything to stay this way, I don't gain, I don't lose. At least not much. Kind of puts a damper on weight loss programs, or even exercise programs. Despite that I plan to have an adventurous and active Summer. Starting with geocaching with my new GPS. I would love to find something simple to start with, and extremely close to where I am, then I can take Keegan, and walk maybe. I don't know anything about this, I hope they're not all at the top of mountains.

Stay tuned! Ha ha.
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Saturday, June 27, 2009

Day 29's chronology I promised

Probably the only noteworthy thing was Keegan and I went to the hardware store, he is such a good boy! We didn't have any issues that we couldn't handle. He got his racecar!
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Day 29's chronology I promised

Probably the only noteworthy thing was Keegan and I went to the hardware store, he is such a good boy! We didn't have any issues that we couldn't handle. He got his racecar!
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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Day 29

Day 29 means:
-I've been doing great on writing every day.
-I haven't been re-arrested.
-I seem to have some control over my behavior, or the bidding little impressions of control, anyway.
-My wife and I are working hard at our relationship and we haven't given up!
-My knuckles haven't stopped popping for a month as of tomorrow.
-My hip is out of place 29 times more often, or it's stuff enough to make me think it is.
-My supply in the little purple toolkit are practically depleted, or they were until I went to the Pharmacy.
-My nicknames for Welbutrin are growing steadily.
-My joy is full in that I can be with my son and have been able to do this for a month straight!
-My ideas of how to make this more interesting are down one more.
-I'm still gainfully employed, and haven't had to worry about getting into trouble because of impulses!
-My forehead has never been this saturated-especially not on a daily basis!
-My life has potential. Not fear of more incidents!
-My lunch is up, but I don't want to go back to work- I guess some things never change. Chronology to follow.
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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Day 28

Of all the things that could have gone wrong, amazingly nothing really did! I had a great day! Work was odd- the systems were down for the good part of an hour as I came in. I will admit, I was late getting there. But unlike several recent memories, all of the stress was rolling off my back. My psychologist visit was actually really productive, as far as seeded discussions to find my own solutions go. I figured some things out. There's still a lot of work to do, but we'll get there. I need to figure out how to deal with triggers. It seems like if they come up on a holiday, or that I seem totally unable to handle them on most holidays. Father's Day and my birthday are noted exceptions to this. I am thinking it could be because of the unstructured environment of not knowing when we can go somewhere else. On that note it could perhaps be a sentiment of being trapped without my creature comforts-computers, and having to make small talk. The foreboding doesn't help. I'm still working on exactly my causes. However, perhaps the Welbutrin has kicked in enough that I will never have these issues again! Wishful thinking?? We shall see, and either way I hope to be healthy enough to handle it, even above and beyond the pills. That is my goal-no more fear.

By the way, the song on the radio as I came out of my class today?
Dido - Thank You (for giving me the best day of my life). :)
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Day 27 - Discipline

Quite a lot of things today, and everyday in my recent life, have centered around discipline. Not just my own, but then again... We had Family Home Evening at our favorite McDonald's. That went fine, although lately we have had an increasing struggle to have Keegan listen and obey us, kind of all day, and other days too. Which leads to tantrums, and not just from the three year old. I realized today that I've not really even made a dent in my new bottle of Celexa. This thing was so chock full that the lid barely closed, and then the pills are really tiny and oblong. Once a day won't really go that fast, and I'm good with my little cornucopia ;) . One day I may be in a good enough state to no longer need these funny little tools, but meanwhile I AM GLAD to have all the tools I can get my hands on. Help comes in many forms, and the best gifts come in small packages. My son is also a gift. As well as my skinny wife. I know that, even through all the stresses of daily life. We all live our own little melodramas. Mine has drug use -just kidding! Others may be far more interesting. Read their blogs too! McDonald's can be the highlight of my work week, because I got to see my son have fun! He was really good while we were there. We need to take the emotions and my adult temper tantrums out of the equation and no matter what happens, never blow up. Then I'll be able to say I'm a good father, a healthy person, and that I successfully control my behavior. All of you who read the blog, and plenty of people who don't help me along the path. My only hope is that rather than always taking, I will also help you along yours. Call it giving back to society. We need less worries-don't sweat the small stuff. We need less aggravation-IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF. If we don't let it encompass us, it won't define us. I'm speaking to myself here. You can leave if you need to. I'll be done in a minute. Just kidding. I believe that everything happens for our good. Not just "a reason". And so we can all benefit from each others' experiences. So I hope I can do my part.
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Day 26

My Father's Day was good, how was yours? How fun.

Well we tried to do as much as possible, sort of making up for the rain delay yesterday. We went to church, took a short nap, headed up to Heather's parents' house. Enter Dramatic irony: The way we heard everything, we were actually going to be coming up very early, maybe even to have time with Heather's dad, all to ourselves. When we got there, everyone else was already there, and the first words we hear, are something along the lines of "Why don't you answer your phone, you were supposed to be here at 4:30." Strangely enough, it was 4:15 when we arrived. We had planned on everyone else showing up at 5:00, meaning we would maybe skip out on most of their dinner, and we would leave before clean-up needed to happen. All of this would work in our favor because we don't have time to clean everything up by ourselves. It's kind of proven to be all or nothing with this part of special occasions, which leads to a lot of tension between my wife, and her sisters. This didn't however, really influence my Father's Day one way or the other, besides the fact that we both vented about it on the way down to my grandparents' house. We got a little stressed, but once it was over we were good. Even if we did yell about my new GPS :-() . After following the craziest "short" route to the Capitol Building in Salt Lake, we decided we'd test out "what does it do if we don't obey." Unlike other units we've become acquainted with, we found out that it does not make the user feel stupid by saying it has to perform yet another "route recalculation." This is good, because if it had, we could have had a bigger issue, than just bad directions. I am glad that I was so focused on making today better than yesterday – stress-wise as well as event-wise. The Magellan quietly just tells you what to do next. We've only ever had to even hear about one U-turn or sharp left as it was being called at the time, which we ignored because we knew our route was just fine. It agreed. I am not quite certain why my wife bought me this new toy, other than to spoil me even further than I already am. She also spent way too much on an Æropastalé (or however it was originally spelled) shirt, and got me my very own beach towel, which we hope to use sometime in October. Not like I've put anyone in danger, but I did like to look at the gadget, when I was supposed to be driving. If it wasn't for Father's Day, I'm sure my issues with impulse control would have been a much bigger digression from having a fun time together on a wacky weather Sunday, inside myself if nothing else. I justify myself all too quickly, and Heather was already being too nice to me, and didn't say anything. There seems to be plenty of stressful, white knuckle, lane-confusion-galore traffic on I-15, I shouldn't be using GPS when I already know my way to our house. Nor should I be looking at it when in a very tight construction zone. Nor should I ride next to crazy veering trailers, even if I don't look down at the thing – It was either the cement barrier or his shiny trailer, one or both of them were going to be trashed if anything collided. I say that with the wishful thinking that my Subaru is actually made of adamantium, with Kryptonian Diamond alloys (read "indestructible, i.e. the stuff of legend"). One way or the other we did have a great day! Heather's hors d'oeuvre was a hit. And so were our gifts to the three birthdays we conglomerated today too. Heather gets most of the credit there, for the ideas and definitely the presentation. But I did help with the shopping.
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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day! :-)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Day 25 - The Rain Delay

The best laid plans...
Famous last words...
But I thought...
What a way to blow a weekend. I'm depressed about this of course. My wife and I can't seem to get on the same page, with schedules, parenting points, communications, ad infinitum. All of which are my fault today. I was not very workable as it turns out, which disappoints even further. Come on, we were going to spend several hours with both families today, and the most I got to do with any member of my family was go to the library with Keegan. Which was fun for the most part, except when he got into the pencil sharpener and I had to put him in time out. That didn't go well to say the least! I almost forgot to take my second dose of Welbutrin, because I took Advil at 3:30, and thought that I was covered. D'oh! My sweating while sitting down, doing literally nothing has become commonplace. To the point I can use it to make excuses for not exercising- "I'm already being worked on internally." I think to myself. Whatever is the underlying reason, whether it's raising my core temperature or just pushing into some organ which controls the amount anyone may sweat, I hope it will relax eventually. Maybe I'll burn out that little organ. I'm sure I can live without stinking from DOING NOTHING in my sedentary job, and my mundane life. Actually I would probably die in some horrible accident where my body would have normally been sweating to tell me something was wrong. I overthink everything. I also force my life to be mundane, I think. Which if you know me, is not a happy place. Drudging through my addictions, and trying to find ways of avoiding triggers, has made life all too introspective at times, where I find myself having to stare at my shoes. Well better that than trip. I say too introspective, because I get too angry with myself. Can't forgive myself, and have a better memory for my past mistakes than I'd like anyone to know. At times I can think back to my very first strong feeling about just how wrong my life was going, especially when I am at another crossroad to where I might just jump back there. Again not a happy place. Guess I'm just saying today didn't go as planned. But with the optimism of Corey Feldman, I'm still looking forward to an awesome First Day of Summer. Oh and it's Father's Day. I don't deserve to be celebrated. Not yet; I am by no means as good of a father, nor husband as I should be, to the point I often wonder if the savings account we started for Keegan won't be spent on therapy. "It cost me $10,000 in therapy to say that sentence. 'I was very angry with him'."-Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. Only time will tell. Heather thinks that Welbutrin has changed my attitude-made me more back to before. As opposed to being on even my better behavior. If that is the case, I'll be asking for a different prescription. I have known all along that the pills can't solve everything, but it would be nice if they would stop making things worse.
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Day 24

So yesterday was as I predicted: a laid back morning, with plenty to do and millions of ways to stress about doing it. Due to our merger, absorbing another credit union,  we've had to handle a ton of documents, some of which are still coming in, therefore we have to continually clean up messes. I say laid back because for the better part of the morning, we actually had a light switch which didn't want to turn on, keeping the harsh artificial lighting from waking us up all the way. Glorious. Of course management has to spoil the party. Once that happened, I was immediately barraged with issues, from things to send back to the branches, to making up dummy documents so that our other processes can continue while we search for the actual paperwork, amongst all the storage they had, in paper. Even with all the technology of scanning being around for years, they didn't have very much going into their servers. We've just recently found out that they were keeping a lot on individual PC's (yikes!). I actually had so many varied issues that I couldn't do my normal shredding, oh well it doesn't have to be done until Monday anyway. Meanwhile I seem to have moved into some huge phone calling frenzy, where nothing makes enough sense to communicate over email, we must talk things through real time. I spend the better part of my day on what I deem to be very important phone calls, sometimes even conferences, where two people want to talk to me! I feel very important. I know this makes my co-workers laugh, but I'm fine with it because actually two things result from these calls, first I get a lot of networking accomplished, making me more marketable in my opinion. And second we laugh about the issues we have; to laugh with a manager of a department is a pretty cool thing, for a peon like me. I like using technology (duh, I'm a geek), to solve my problems: My boss would like me to write things on these documents, so that we can scan them into the system. I'm not crazy or stupid, I want to make sure that these can be read, without having a personal lexicon on file. so I feel the need to do something to type these up. I've done a couple of mail merges in my time, via MS Office, and this reduces what my boss thinks should take me all day, to something which took my 30 minutes or so. :Þ
Home life is good. We are continually working on our relationship. I have so much to make up for. I like making headway. However, for all the standing still I do, I hope it's actually for the better;  I know that taking things slow allows for roots to grow, as opposed to getting scorched. Or to use another example, I don't want to run really fast, and do exactly what I've done before, and fall flat on my face yet again. I don't ever like repeating a mistake, and I'm sure my family doesn't want to continually deal with consequences. And so we work together, as much as possible, and continually attempt to overcome my addictions, for the betterment of all. I like to think I am growing, but then again, when I have setbacks, they seem to cause bigger and bigger ripples in other aspects of almost everything. My family gives me so much, especially in second, third, tenth chances. I am probably slowly torturing them by subjecting them to my ill-fated decisions, and I know I am slowing their progress toward being happy within themselves. Because with all the challenges I present, a lot of time is spent, in my mind if nowhere else, worrying about "What's there to be happy about?" Or "Will I ever move away from these issues?" "Will my family ever be the same?" My efforts have got to increase, for communication, for making and keeping peace, for taking care of other's needs first, if not only. I don't have half as many things which are needs, as I think I do. I do not need all the latest, greatest technology, I do not need a better this or that. I need to be at peace within myself, so that I don't spread so much turmoil. I need to be quicker to apologize, and take responsibility. I need to give of myself, not just throw money at things -it's never enough unless it comes from a truly humble and loving, respecting heart. And when those things happen, most of the time, the response is "You didn't need to spend any money on that…" Which is because the effort to humble myself is worth it's weight in gold, I think. I could be giving myself too much credit here, but generally speaking, I think that it's exponentially better to present my heart, than any gift. Maybe I'm crazy. I'll tell you this though. I am about sick and tired of sweating just sitting somewhere. This has almost replaced the feeling of my jaw being stuck somewhere, I almost don't even notice that anymore. Comparatively speaking.
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Thursday, June 18, 2009

And then...

Anything from packing stuff in a shred bin, to getting 92% on Guitar Hero makes me sweat. I can't stop myself. It's like menopause, unreal! I wish I could find something to get rid of that side effect!
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Continued

Evidence that I won't stop eating if food is put in front of me+=1.
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Day 23

5:59 am?
Manual Dexterity==46%
Work shirt supply-=1
Ankle sock supply-=1
Time to get to work=Borderline sufficient
Knuckles popped+=8
Breakfast supplies-=1
Electronics for Personal Area Network==Fully Charged
Rainy mornings+=1
Windshield Wipers=Level 1
Radio Set=Too quiet
Speed=Flow of traffic
On time to work+=0:03
Cynical comments about radio news+=1
Comments from management+=1
Category=Speed
Category ignored=Car contents, today
My reaction=Denial
Lost items +=1
Guesses?=Probably on the floor of my office, but I can't find it.
Hats worn today=6
Good days+=0.5 – I'm at work, come on.
Boss's mood+=1.5
HR issues=0
Total HR this week==1
Mistakes corrected+=8
Yours?+=1
Boss working friday-=1
Morale+=1
Weird new changes around the office+=1
Morale==No change

Blogs entered in the fashion of Stranger Than Truth and Wall-e and such+=1
2:37 pm
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Day 22

I know I'm the one missing the point, but what is it about platitudes that are so important to us? Do we really need, as a society, the controlled responses of "How are you?" "Fine?" I hate writing email like that. Because I know it sounds so hollow. And then people give me crap, sometimes for thinking of something original to ask: "Has your raise kicked in yet?" I knew it had, the whole credit union got them last payday, whatever they got. My assistant manager emails me back something about "Raises were better than nothing, they can be rearranged to be nothing..." Found out it was a joke, as soon as I was finished with my panic attack. I have to wonder about this office. Do I really cause as many waves as I think I do, as people would have me think I do? I bet this is all narcissism again. But this begs the question: Is it Narcissism if it is truth/or if it turns out to be truth, or is this "Intuition." They REALLY are whispering about you. I certainly hope that my actions with skipping my class, have "sealed any deals." I really am sorry, and I really, really HATE planning out time to go get on the computer, I have a laptop for a reason. The rest of the world, more or less thanks to http://www.OLPC.org , has internet. My pills were possibly not working so well, or perhaps they were working to well. The filter between my brain and my mouth in movie theaters was down due to network traffic. We still had fun at the movie. Keegan liked it, I think. Nightmares are TBD.
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Day 21

I don't know what happened before.
Day 21


I woke up with quite a start this morning. I had probably one of the worst nightmares of my entire life. Not that the dream was really anything too frightening, but I'll get to that later. First I will report, I am rested. Weird that the two are connected, but I guess dreaming is okay, I used to be fairly convinced that it was overrated. I am still shaken up about this dream, however. Welbutrin definitely caused this dream, because I know who the people involved represented, vaguely, and have no concerns that this concept would actually be an issue. All I can say is it was very #violent and explicit, and that I woke up when I touched something with my outstretched hands – which were ready to choke the person in my dream. I guess I'm glad I woke up when I did, what a terror!
This is definitely a dream I'll be talking to counselors about.
Currently at work, I'm again left to my own devices for a moment, which is yet again the bane of my existence. Was talked to this morning about proper use of company time, even though I can justify my actions as appropriate, my boss doesn't understand them, and therefore asks awkward questions. I am not in trouble, however, so that is good.
Found out what my boss was so stressed about, it's serious, but I won't go into that for her privacy. I hate that I even overheard it, because I know she would rather I didn't. Sorry, you sat right next to me and told your boss about the drama. I'm working quietly. I don't know what else I could have done. And yet now I feel uncomfortable. What a day, and it's only 8:40. I'm actually awake today though! I could still really go for a mountain dew. My co-worker's making me jealous.
I've heard three other people say they had bad dreams lately, weird; it's not the full moon… Anyway, I am getting a little drowsy now, and my "lockjaw" is killing me. I don't know what else to call it. It's stiffness in a lot of my joints, but primarily there. I was just clicking my mouse rapidly, to QC a batch of work, and I found my neck and jaw were getting tired, because I was stiffening the whole right side of my body basically, to get through this even quicker. Like a video game with hand-eye tension. Anyway, a ton of phone calls today, and I've been told to regulate my lunch start time more, keep it more toward 1:00pm, for coverage. So I'll be heading out soon. This is going to be a longer post, because I'm writing it as I go.
Does anyone else cross their legs at the ankles and flex inward so they can pop their hip? I can do this like three times a day now.
I skipped my class today, in order to try and list our townhouse on KSL. I got pictures up on the web, but I didn't have all the information to list the house! This part of my life is called "regression." Or at least a setback. I could have gone to my brother's birthday if I had planned on skipping class. Let's just say I could have done things later, I needed to get to class. I was stupid. I had my priorities mixed up, which has been a major contributor to my current state! I need to make it up to my family.

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Emailing: Day 21.doc

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Day 20 - And Now Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Mayhem

So work was a fair measure of insanity today. Mostly for the fact that I couldn't stay awake even if I was in the process of eating cereal while working on my reports. Also my boss was back to her regular self, in a lot of ways. I'm not sure what made her late today, but it could have impacted her whole day. Did I mention I'm exhausted? Which probably impacted my whole day. My boss was ultra stressed about something at home, for about 20 minutes and she let out a heavy (read "nuclear") sigh. I was about to yell "duck and cover!" but then it was time to go home. She can melt down on her own time. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Heather has been painting, so I was in charge of occupying Keegan. We went doorbell shopping, and now we're at costco. Not my idea of family home evening, but then... I'm not doing so good. Either lack of sleep, or my meds aren't keeping up, or both. Or maybe plans being entirely up heaved, I don't know. Anyway, I'm not even sure if I need to buy anything, just return some faulty items. No really. We'll see if I can save today from #frustrations .
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On going fun

So my parents was fun, and fine. The only other thing to report was that Keegan was too tired to go see my sister, even when we tried to go all the way out there. In the end we couldn't find the place, so we just got everybody home. Oh and my knuckles won't ever stop popping, I'm convinced. Even 5 years after I no longer take this stuff, I think. I'm prepared for that. Just so long as people stop telling me "you're going to get arthritis. Get arthritis. Arth... Arthritis!" stupid broken records. Popping knuckles is just releasing air. If I try not to do this, it will happen *when I move my fingers anyway*... So hah! Goodnight everyone!
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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Day 19

This morning went well, I tried going Home Teaching, the family wasn't there. And we were all on time for church. A couple side effects I think:
First being **excessive sweating!**
Second, the one I was saying I had so much trouble with all the way through yesterday, is getting better, by way of a late night meditation at 1:30AM. I spent 30 minutes getting as much waste moving as would budge. I felt like I was in the Winnie the Pooh story.
:( Meanwhile, my meds are doing the rest of their job, as far as I'm concerned. Impulse control is good- I went to bed at a good time, even though I was playing games! On my very own. I feel all grown up. I'm trying to make it sound stupid because I'm fairly certain most normal people don't have this issue, so now I feel more normal. I hope eventually I'll BE more normal! More later today. I'm sure I'll have more to talk about after going to my parents. I am sure I'll love the visit, and yet I can't say how Keegan will act, or what my time will be spent on. I plan on getting my house listed on KSL possibly. So that we can move away from the HOA issues.
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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Day 18

I love Saturday's and I hate Saturday's. In a way, the unstructured simplicity is comforting- a weekend. And in other ways it's like I've never been busier. At least at some points during the day. Or definitely some certain Saturdays. This was not one of those Saturdays. I slept a majority of the day because of a headache probably caused by my neck getting cranked this way or that each night. This doesn't help productivity. I need to make something fun of this day. I got to exercise for a half hour this morning. That's good. And that adds to my soreness of my muscles-good soreness. Good because it's from working out and exercising even in small ways. I also wish I knew what was going on with my diet and the results. I've had bigger...umm...results most of my life- bigger than they should be in order to not cause other issues. I don't know anymore, I wish it was just my water intake or lack thereof some days which made this happen, but that really doesn't help most of the time. However possibly due to my Celexa/Welbutrin cocktail as of late my pipes have been nothing but clogged. I, for some reason, don't listen to my body in this way, and proceed to work past it no matter what. I know this is NOT a good idea. Sorry for all the ambiguous potty talk. It's not fun at all. I have no idea if it's related but I've taken to OTC items in order to help. They haven't really made a dent, which is why I am tempted to blame the meds. However either way, something needs to change. Today was kind of sketchy situation. Keegan was not listening, obeying stuff, and was all over the place. Which finally led to one big timeout. We never should have let things go that long, I kept giving him more chances simply because he would change what he was doing wrong. I need to take some things at more of a top-level as in "he's not listening." he's a wonderful kid, but he's still a toddler none the less. We love him so so so much! Wouldn't give him up for the world. He is one reason that I need to watch my temper/keep my cool. Which again is why I take meds. It makes me more aware. And then let's me fall back on something-the thoughts normal people have: I'm okay, he's okay, this isn't life or death. The house isn't on fire. No one needs to be yelling. I heard from my wife that Dr. Phil was preaching something I've heard all my life: When yelling happens, listening turns off. And then we've been counseled to only yell if "the house is [literally] on fire." I heard from a counselor that we could all benefit by doing something along the lines of hourly stress level checks. And then we can evaluate stuff against our "worst nightmare" as it were. He had examples of cancer, and his dog pooping on the white carpet. Both concepts can bring him from even zero stress to ten on his stress scale. Where he needs to immediately take a time out. I have kept this going, fairly well of late. And I haven't had any incidents (from Hulk) for many days, I feel.
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Day 17

What a day! I had to wait around work extending my lunch to and hour and fifteen minutes of unpaid time, because we aren't allowed overtime right now. Meanwhile what do I do with my time? I can't go home early. I might have been able to yesterday, but I had a meeting for the last hour. I've already eaten my lunch in like 15 minutes. Knowing I had to take this time, I even asked if I could come in late. I decided to get a little exercise after a while, so rode a recumbent spinning bike for two miles, then went outside to cool down. That worked out well, I think. Also this morning I took my first oblong Celexa. Kind of a weird experience, since I wouldn't normally assume my pills would just magically change shape in order to fit a smaller bottle with more pills. Overall a busy busy day. I have to fix most of the other employee's mistakes around the department. It's fun for the most part. I like the hunt for the next crazy thing someone has done, or someone has let through their QC or something. We are continually having to watch s couple of our servers lately, which is also fun because I get to take important phone calls like a big wig. Or at least a bigger hat. Meanwhile all of my coworker and boss's time is spent in meetings, testing or working on our latest and greatest. Which leaves me to my own devices a lot. Sometimes this kind of freedom used to get me in trouble. Now I just sit back and listen to all the other people breaking the same rules, and wait until someone gets chewed out like I did. Most of our department didn't used to have access even to google. I have no idea what changed to let them outside even that fence now. Oh well. Theirs is far more blatant than mine. And they are taking it farther than I would. Either way I have decided to be bloody done with thinking I'm being picked on. If they don't get in trouble, then that shows my bosses are inconsistent. But that's NOTHING reflecting on me or my behavior. I love that. I'm specifically working directly on overcoming my past feelings of entitlement, and jealousy. Anyway that's my progress for now.
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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Day 16

I got into my new Celexa bottle today, actually I'll the first of those on Saturday, but the weird thing is I guess it's another generic company, or idea or something because the pills are a totally different shape. Whatever so long as Mr. Gower isn't screwing it up. Man my humor is even dry to ME tonight. I had class tonight. Good class. We went over time, but it was worth it. I hope that the people who were at the end of the line don't feel too bad for still sharing all of their thoughts they had planned. Today was a rather ordinary day, in some ways. I was tired (read "falling asleep at my desk") but not too bad. I'm actually wondering, for that purpose, if I shouldn't ask about taking another half a pill or something of my Welbutrin. It's working well enough now in some of the other aspects, and so maybe I just need to wait the full month-full effect after 30 days is in the fine print of more things than any of us want to know about, I think. Kind of as a warning that your body won't like this at first, or will need to adjust, like at a new job, or in a new car, or even with a new family member. My wife and I have gone through many cycles of trying to achieve full potential. And on that note another analogy: I am probably the cape to my wife's super-hero suit. I drag her into BAD situations or straight up cause issues for her, and obviously then for us. But as I was thinking about it all today, I realized she has put up with so freaking much, and taken it like such a pro, that I need to stop throwing things at her, or she's likely to not want to play any more. Rightfully so, I would never blame her for any of the trouble we've had. Even now as I still have it in the back of my mind that there are things in place that I cannot override, even if I'm at my sweetest most smooth talking honeymooning level, I shouldn't be trusted really. Not yet. This is not to say that anyone has any real reason to worry, but let's just say that I'm glad for my homework, my patient wife and son, and my pills. Oh my pills. I think I'm going to be addicted to talking about how much they have saved me from! Now that I've finally found something that works! I can actually look to the future a little. Plan vacations, think about progress toward school, and regaining stuff I lost. Most especially in church. I know this may not make sense to everyone who reads this. Suffice it to say that my actions were way (read "off the charts") out of line. And my bishop has me on notice for this, and has taken away some dear privileges and a fun calling. I'm going to talk to him more about all this on Sunday, and maybe I can regain some ground there. Whatever happens I need to know my action steps. So I will ask about that. I know he needs to be able to trust me too. I've been in enough trouble to know going back to these things will lead to my death, more literally than figuratively, actually, at least that's how I see it. I love my wife. No matter what anyone says, I take full responsibility. And I need to set some people straight about rumors, I guess. That will be just grand! I hate having to deal with people like that!
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Day 15

So possibly the worst thing of this project or maybe just my last post, would be to come away thinking I'm apathetic. I know a lot of what I do is -pathetic but I'm not giving up. It sucks because almost anytime I try and move this boulder in my life, it seems all the plates I've been balancing somewhere else all seem to stop at once. Am I not trying hard enough? Sometimes-because I'm afraid of what might happen. Better to keep status quo. If I try and shake things up like I have before, especially if I do something exactly like I did before-where are my new tools? Who's going to give me more training? I'm not so sure my psychologist will ever really do much more than just play catch-up and tell me to read another book. Something my previous counselor wouldn't even move past if I begged him. I'm probably going to cut him off. Anyway, if I do things the same way again, I will undoubtedly fail. Insanity! And if I fail again, rather than taking things as they come, and moving incredibly slow otherwise, I will tailspin even worse. And I don't think that this time I'll have anyone left around me. The wreckage will be too broad. And anyone watching will run away for good- i.e. My wife and son will no longer associate with me in any way. And I don't blame them! I've already done too much damage! Anyway, day 15 was actually pretty busy, even though work wasn't and we didn't really go anywhere. Life has just decided to go faster again. Hope I can "hang on tighter. Just to keep from being thrown to the wolves" -They Might Be Giants
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Day 14

So for one thing, stop me if you're nodding off, but I don't know if I'll ever run out of new experiences (to talk about). Especially those made better, or handled better now, through my meds. I have one major issue today. I seem to be ultra concerned with everyone else, rather than my work. I cannot understand why. It wasn't terribly distracting over all, just that I kept going back to it. Almost daydreaming of things I would say if only someone would talk to me. One major flaw of being anti-social- i.e. taking advantage of others- is an air I suppose, of general arrogance or aggression or some sort of "I want to be left alone" kind of thing. What's interesting to note about that, is that often growing up I would pester someone who was acting like that, to let me in, or joke with me or something. Which is why I've never had very many friends. Barely any at all. And subsequently now, I'm either unruly enough or rushed for time enough that I can barely start any new friendships even if I do try. Should-a could-a would-a. Dilly dally shilly shally. I don't know. For a majority of even my brainpower-fishing for acceptance as more intelligent than I may look, again- I cannot force myself to even calculate the bandwidth to get over this major immense character flaw! In other words I'm too stupid to do anything about it. And now I'm going to end this post because the last thing I want is for anyone to feel sorry for me. I brought this on myself. I accept it. I need to respect people and then I'll get respect, and maybe even make a real friend. Who knows. Stranger things have happened.
And on that day? ...
"Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!"
-Peter Venkman
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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Day 13

Wow. So first off, I really do need comments. Amy, anything to say? Bueller? Just kidding. So today was "focus on Heather" day. First and foremost because she hasn't been feeling well, like she is going on medication for a possible tumor, and second because as long as she's the only person I look at, I can't get in trouble. Even at Lagoon. It's not like it's hard to ignore all the teenage angst going on around us, and that's pretty much everywhere. It's just hard to keep from snapping my neck with all the faces. I'm a huge people watcher, and I can't stand to not at least look once. Grr. That was basically the hardest part about today. There is another area which is currently on my mind. That is just how anti-social is my family, and my wife's family? I'm not meaning to insult anyone. I have to think of the examples I have though. I know I probably didn't give anyone an easy time, and that most likely lead to my behavior feeding others, tendencies. I don't know. I know I was a problem child, to say the least. And in a lot of ways I've not grown out of it. I still think everything has been done to directly affect me, sometimes. I'm distancing myself from those thoughts more and more. But it's a daily struggle. I have to ignore more conversations, and stop eavesdropping. Which is almost impossible without my iPod on full blast-which I obviously can't do at work. I told my boss once that I have a dichotomy here: I hate people prying into my life, but I find myself offering help to almost EVERYONE when I've caught wind of an issue. It scares me. I don't want to know what people's divorce issues are, or what their bishop said, or whatever. It's funny all the drama in my department! I've had to fight to keep my marriage intact, and staying away from drama helps, otherwise I would get sucked in and try and help, and then it would leave me to take something home. Never intentionally, but there are always mental hitchhikers, I think. One way or the other, that's why I'm not trying to get involved with my two sisters-in-law, who I think I could help. They have heard all I would say, and now I have to let them choose to do what they will. There should never be interference with learning and/or progress. And either one seems to always come. I want to never look back on an experience and say "I didn't learn anything, because xyz was done for me." It sucks to have to feel your own pain, but would you wish it on anyone else? I mean really? "So don't take on anyone else's issues," I say to myself. "I've got enough to deal with." It entices me to live vicariously, or fix someone else's life, because it might be easier than my own. But when I look back, or wake up, I still have my same load. No more what ifs. Progress makes us better, even if we have to do the same crappy task every time, we can be faster, or have less problems, or whatever. Why not? I think that's what my minor slips today have taught me, if I started being mean-taking advantage of someone's weakness, then I was promptly chided. Both by myself and by my wife- she is amazing at humbling me and keeping me on target for all of my goals! which is exactly WHAT I NEED! No more do I allow anyone to clean up my messes, or if they do, I go and do something directly for them. So that both are acts of service! Not taking advantage of someone's impatience or any of that. I don't ever do these things knowingly. Which is where the pills come in. Meds keep me just as introspective as I need to be. And that's FANTASTIC! More tomorrow.


That is, if you want... Please let me know if I'm off base or rambling too much, or boring!
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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Day 12

Well originally today looked like it would be a relaxing, recuperating day, and in a way it has been. Sometime before 4am this morning my wife started her path down Food Poisoning boulevard. I say boulevard because it could be one all to often traveled, and then there's the issue of traffic control, i.e. prioritizing which "end" to attend to more urgently. I only know this because since about 6:30 this morning I've been solely in charge of taking care of Keegan. Not the easiest thing to do, for me I am not very entertaining. I don't know why I assume he will be more self sufficient. He's only 3! I don't know if I'm really hard on him, but some times I feel like it. We've had plenty of fun, and he's only been in time out twice all day, but then he's had to go potty a million times and each of those times I have to stand there for moral support or whatever so I'm bored, and yeah. He needs someone further north than Provo to play with on a regular basis. Especially another boy. It would be nice if there we're more cousins his age. Or any, for that matter on my side... We're probably going to be waiting a while on that. Oh well. No one's officially been back to the moon yet, so I guess we're all waiting for the next huge marvel to come along. On that note, if I may COMPLETELY digress, for the benefit of Keegan once he learns to read, and understand dad's dry humor... Why don't we have any super heroes in Utah? Are they all restricted to cities with 8 million people or something? Every time I read a spider man book to Keegan, which we often get from the library, Peter Parker makes some mention of "I'll be watching over your city, because I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-man." I've never seen him! And Keegan is disappointed! Oh well. The other news today, is my main reason for mentioning no missing doses in yesterday's post. I took my pills at like 12:30 today, which is fine for Celexa. They say take it as soon as you remember. But as for Welbutrin that means I'll be taking my next dose at like 8:30 or so, and that is no doubt going to mess with my sleep. I don't know if I'm supposed to be as sensitive as I seem to be, but my pharmacist did say "don't take it too close to bedtime" or rather the little paper did. Yikes! Well we'll just have to see what happens. At this time, since I've gotten a fair bit of readers, or at least I like to think I have, I'd like to ask each of you a question for the particular realm in which I know you:
Do you think there are others we should invite? Should I have this blog public yet? Mike and Helen, especially, should we include those that are helping or have helped us get to this point? I believe you know who I mean. Also, Helen and Laura, should I include the rest of the family? I chose you two for the medical insight, and obviously the family connection. However I don't know how others would take to this. This project is still so half-baked or whatever. I'm not sure what the word is. Not sure about anything. I have so much to learn, so much to fix within my head. My anger and other addictions are still so, I don't know. I just know I can't be certain of anything. It crushes me to say that, but do I have a real track record of avoiding or working through my triggers with actual results? Not really. Either I haven't been tested in those areas really, or I have gotten too close and scared either my wife, my son, myself or any combination of the three. Not anything like before, but I am the first to admit that I am far from perfect! I just don't know what I should do to take the next step. The step to real healing, especially for those I've given so much grief, to put it lightly. I know I can do more in my classes, since there's always at least a little homework. I have tried to make everything so technical and/or overworked the tiny details. It was just Tuesday I was saying I need to take care of the basics. So why am I not working on this, the most important job ever??! I am sure I'll pay for my slacking soon. I am already so indebted to my family. Well I'll just have to do my homework, and stop expecting my life to change on its own. I know my wife will be glad to see the commitment last as opposed to all the other false starts. Be sure I'll let you know! Anyway, if you all wouldn't mind commenting on my question, either through emailing me directly, or through the little button (I think it's a pencil). Either way I'll get it and be able to make a decision. I do plan on making this open to the public at some point. But I don't imagine that being at least until day 60 or 90 or somewhere in that range. Wow! That seems so far away, and yet I'm actually at day 59 of Celexa, and that time went by in a blur! So anyway let me know if my humongous rants are of any use.
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Day 11

We had a rough morning, with being up extra early for a Saturday, and stress of driving my Father-in-law down to Provo with us-getting everyone ready in time... It was a trial I guess, but all in all we pulled through without any major injuries, I think. We had to try really hard, and talk really carefully, I feel, at first. Then things really got moving. We didn't really stop (whether it was taking care of Keegan, or running from place to place, or partying in the sun) our only breaks were when we would switch off for a minute to sit down. We all got plenty of sun, although I think Keegan got stuff on. I didn't burn too bad, but got plenty of mosquito bites. Heather got the worst of it, but more on that in tomorrow's post. We had a really fun time, and got to see both sets of parents. We arrived at my parents' just in time for me take my second dose of Welbutrin. Maintenance is the key. I haven't missed a dose yet. We visited with my parents, saw my dad's latest project- a fused glass kiln, in his basement for his consistently growing word of mouth business. If you want to check it out he has quite a few pieces, each of them one of a kind, at http://chriscummings.etsy.com . Anyway, it was less of a rollercoaster than ever before. I have often thought about some sort of logo'd T-shirt I would wear featuring my new sponsors. Maybe I should tell them that and they'll give me a year free or something. Anything to save some money/make some on the side. Not one of my best ideas, but probably one of my more likely ones. I have a lot of dreams, most of which would be WAY too hard to pull off. I still don't feel like I can go back to school, but that may come. I'm currently resigning myself more and more each day, that I have followed the counsel I have heard- I got as much school as I could; If my family can all get more, that's okay for now. Well I'm working on it. My work may be enough for me for quite a while, as far as things-outside-the-home go. Which as far as skills go is probably the sadest part. A monkey with mittens on could do my job. Well anyway we had a good day, here's probably the best part, we still have one more day BEFORE I have to go to work!
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Saturday, June 6, 2009

Day 10

So today was weird in the end. But all around too. I woke up late and got to work about 10 minutes late. Through whatever administrative genius our bigwigs have mustered they have created, along with one of the worst vendors (in my opinion, simply based on the quality and stability of their product we deal with:) The time card. This time card rounds to the nearest 15 minutes. Lucky for me I had that much in overtime yesterday, so I wasn't really worried about it. Anyway, I get to work, my boss isn't there, she's taken the day off giving herself a long weekend while the rest of us slave away... And to top it all off, I have to scan the loan papers for the day, because that person is still on vacation. I did this yesterday too. I am fairly sure this is my least favorite hat to wear-that of an overworked and underpaid and overwhelmed scanner. This leaves my area, three phones, the system, my work, totally derelict until if by chance, my other main coworker comes in. I didn't even do my morning report, which I will hear about, because the people which were here to scan and/or prep the documents couldn't manage even the starting processes without my help. Whatever. Anyway so I literally stare at documents on a screen for 7.5 of my 8 hours. I go to lunch in the middle somewhere, and go right back. Needless to say I was stressed, especially until my coworker did come. The only respite would be that last 30 minutes. I got to go back to my desk, my expertise, and my out-of-the-box thinking. I'm normally a server technician, although my business card says techni*can*. The "can" part I suppose, applies to my being trained in the way of a Jedi. Or a jack-of-all-trades, or my personal favorite, a master assassin. I also have to be the "money" so to speak, with which my boss constantly robs Peter to pay Paul. Enough soliloquies about work. Anyway then I drive home and see several jets doing an air show at Hill Air Force Base. All the while I'm hearing them fly so low and so loudly! It was cool. It was a windy day out today, and so my wife thought I should take Keegan and go fly the $1-walmart-special kite we bought. That didn't really work out but we had fun for a minute. Then he scraped his knee on our slurry and all of its rocks. I heard later he had said during the pain/crying "I want my daddy," as if I could be the only one to comfort him. The night proceeded to the point that my wife and son had both fallen asleep from exhaustion or whatever, leaving me with nothing to do. I tried to get in touch with my wife, but she wasn't happy I woke her. I understand that feeling. She hasn't been feeling normal for a while, and it's taking its toll on our connection. For this I am so sorry. I would do anything to take away my families' pain, especially if I had a hand in it. My anger and my addictions have played a huge role in the past, and caused such deep wounds that I may never be able to even seal them up. I know this is true of so many people, some have caused harm, and so many around me have been harmed by my issues. I need this to be under control. And so I made a new friend. The good-day-friend (read "Welbutrin"). My purple little generic pills are to prevent me from blowing up, and they are taking effect, I feel. It's a process, surely. I'm only on day 10, which at this point means that I've been taking my full dose for a week. That's okay by me. Once I can explain why I wanted to talk to my wife, and why I also "caused so much noise"-my words, I think we'll be fine. Tomorrow is a new day. A day which will be one more I am dedicating to God in a way. Just like my Thursday night classes include so many spiritual experiences that I really feel it when I don't go, tomorrow is my oldest nephew's baptism. I will need to keep myself in good spirits and how! I cannot bare to ruin another family even by squabbling with my wife! Especially when I always have the stupidest reasons! That's about it for tonight. It's late enough I'm going to try sleeping again, although I'm irked by the fact that our sprinklers just kicked on, and for not very long. I'm OCD about how people take care of their lawns. That's a whole other story.

So goodnight, "and don't call me Shirley."
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Thursday, June 4, 2009

Day 9

Let's see I started taking this stuff on 5/27/09 and today's posting is for 6/4/09 and so this would be day 9! So far all in all, we're doing good. I thought I could get a refill today, and I did, for my Celexa. I'm going for 90 day sets now! I'm really convinced this is helping! I think it's working to help control my impulse control, and I'm really being a lot better about anger.There are a lot of healthy changes, changes for me:
  • I'm doing our budget now, and Heather and I share the responsibility of keeping costs down.
  • I am more family oriented, even despite taking time to blog or whatever.
  • We read scriptures most nights, wherever we are.
  • We are finding ways to do family home evening.
  • I cooked Heather a healthy dinner, rather than all the crap I've been eating.
  • I exercise more (read "now").
  • I take the trash out whenever I'm able.
  • I am respecting boundaries.
  • We are being assertive by:
    • using "I" statements.
    • Using active listening.
    • Taking time outs when we get stressed.
  • We are growing so fast!
Speaking of that, Keegan is growing SO FAST! He is speaking more and more clearly every day, and he is listening to Mommy and Daddy. He even responds to 1-2-3 counting, a lot less time outs for him! Sometimes we don't even get to 2!

Day 8

So again I’ve been thinking all day, and jotting down little things I wanted to mention. Little stresses here and there. First would be sleep. I haven’t been getting enough lately, both because of my pills and just because of times my wife and I have been discussing things. We are working impossibly hard to get our relationship into a better state. I’ll talk more about that later. Before that I’d like to talk about barking. Their word for it. If you notice my tags, you’ll know who I’m talking about –not Heather! She’s not down there… so hah! Actually today’s barking would refer to the credit union member’s statements. My job, once a month is practically put on hold while I deal with copying statements from where they are housed for Web Access, to our internal program for employee retrieval. This enables anyone from the call center to branches to wherever, to pull up exactly what you would see, as a member, to discuss any issues at all. It takes all day. Sometimes almost two. Anyway, the barking and/or micro-managing came in when my boss wanted me to only run so many at a time. Way less than she trained me to have; about a third of what I have in writing that I’m supposed to do. It was really awkward. Once she stopped watching me I kept it about two-thirds down from her preset max, and everything went very well. The only other thing I can really complain about would be itchiness. I don’t know if it’s related or if its some allergy. I itch on my hands a lot, and once I start it will hit my chest or my back at regular intervals. It’s odd. But that’s me. I can’t sleep in this early heat.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Day 7

So I thought all day about what to talk about, as I went through a lot of monotony at work. I was able to learn about boundaries from a class I attend once a week, that is going to take some time to get used to, but I cannot fathom the benefits.
I was curious about the effects of my cocktail on my diet I didn't really eat dinner last night, rather a bowl of cereal at 9:30. I have seen a couple of interesting effects: I think I was talking fast. Heather didn't notice though, as we were at Wal-mart And I also noticed a lot of minor joint pain and knuckle stiffness-popping. Like I can pop all my knuckles almost all the time.
Weird, but if it's the same as my constant lockjaw I'm not surprised in the least.
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Monday, June 1, 2009

Side effects of note - pun intended

So two side effects I've noticed are related to Welbutrin just now.
First is that I can't take naps, not gonna happen.
Second is burping and unexplained gas, kind of ALL the time! Not like I've had any embarrassing moments, **butt** I've come close. My wife having read the side effect list, commented when I had made more noise (not smell, surprisingly) than she could stand where we were.
I better not be getting Keegan's summer cold.
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Day 6 continued

I should mention that I've had a couple of lasting thoughts, or I guess you could probably call them dreams (though I don't remember waking up), lately, which are hard to explain. This may be a possible side effect, since I believe both involved me injuring some part of my body in some freak accident. Also my Celexa is giving me huge yawning fits and major lockjaw. Time to take my second dose of Welbutrin! That helped. It also helped that we had a fun and healthy shopping trip to Costco. Fun all except I had to take a little nap-less wonder (read "Keegan") all the way out to the car twice for not listening or misbehaving. Anyway, I didn't get too stressed about it. Mommy just needed a break.
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Day 6

Just to let you know, the more I write about other things == the less I have to write about any acting out or anything (i.e. a great day). I'm really tired today, which is totally my fault. I woke up to my first alarm, (it pays for me to have two) today, and couldn't remember where I was. More so I couldn't understand why there would be noise so early in the morning. It was interesting. I felt like WALL-E because I was dragging my feet around so much. I got in touch with (read "woke up") heather when I was dressed. Just to talk for a second before heading out the door. She was fairly responsive, but kind of mumbling. Anyway due to all the plants around my office-full-of-women I have killed 4 gnats today. My previous record and longstanding minimum apparently was 2. I think I'm going to start keeping score like the Red Baron. Anyway, my wife and I were talking earlier about compassion. I think I do have at least some compassion. I just choose not to use it, mostly because I am one who takes advantages of people's weaknesses (read "anti-social"). Obviously that's something to work on, and improve:

To show respect, to give people credit, to also let them do what they're supposed to do... Anyway so at the very least I have a platform on which to build, I think.

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